Sunday, June 5, 2016

A while ago, my husband asked me a very basic question. He was telling me how proud he was of the way i was putting my heart into taking care of our baby, Aria.
His question was - Do you find joy in it?
I did not understand what he meant, he elaborated - Do you do it out of a sense of duty or do you find joy in it?

Do i find joy in motherhood?
Do i find joy in my life being taken over by a 2 month old tyrant?
Do i find joy in spending 2 hours out of 24 cleaning poop and pee?
Do i find joy in not being able to sleep for 3 hours straight?
Do i find joy in dreading another sleepless night?
Do i find joy in being turned into a feeding cow?
Do i find joy in being worried continuously about ear, nose infections?
Do i find joy in forever wondering if Aria is getting enough to eat?
Do i find joy in holding her and rocking her till my arms ache and head spins?
Do i find joy in worrying about syncing milk supply and demand?
Do i find joy in not being able to attend the same social events as Sagar, because one of us needs to stay at home to babysit?

A resounding yes.
I would always wonder what mothers meant when they said motherhood changes you, and now i know. It changes you completely, in a way that there is no turning back. It is not something you can explain, or understand. It is one of those things that need to be experienced to be understood.
And that experience changes you, permanently. Even if you want to go back to being the old you, you cannot.
You are in it, hook, line and sinker.
It is not an off hand, you-feel-it-once kind of an experience, it is not a slow progression of emotions that take you to another level of being. It is a wham! happened to me in a moment and changed me forever kind of an experience.
It takes you by surprise, and leaves you feeling breathless, all in moment. And try as you might, you cannot re-create that moment nor describe it.
You come home from the hospital, you have a new baby to take care of, look after all the practical issues of feeding and pooping and sleeping patterns, welcome visitors, make your peace with unsolicited advice, often bordering on ridiculousness, take each day and attack it, trying to fit the changes into your old lifestyle and one fine night, it just hit me - there is no fitting or changing something into my old lifestyle, this is the new lifestyle. This is how it is going to be, because the little thing gurgling at you is yours, your creation, your child, your responsibility.
Every little movement, every little twitch mesmerizes you when you think about how you actually created this little ball of fire and love. You do not want to go back, you want this moment of clarity, of unconditional acceptance, of gratitude to last forever.
You know you are experiencing something truly magical.
You feel like a princess in the fairy tale, more like the fairy godmother, who with the swish of her wand finds her kingdom turned to heaven.



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