Monday, January 26, 2015

Watching the world go by...

I cannot sit still.
I need to keep moving, keep doing something - anything - but I just cannot keep still.
It also comes from a very wrong notion of - doing nothing amounts to laziness.
I recently read an article in TOI about how there are two kinds of people - people who like everything organized and their lives are planned and the other kind - who just go with the flow taking on things as and when and if they come. So, the article points out if you are in the latter category why try and change your self to fit in the first. If you live by chaos - so be it!

While I disagreed with many points in the article - indiscipline cannot be a way of life. You have to make an effort to be disciplined to lead a better life. Laziness and inability to plan your life - not the minute details - but plan to some degree - cannot be called a way of life. No one will be able to live like that. And my last objection was when the author equated discipline and spontaneity on opposite sides of the same line.

But I did understand the main point - and I quite agreed with it. In an effort to plan and organize and do something there were so many moments of solitude, of peace that I had let pass. In an effort to meet social engagements and fulfill all social responsibility, there were so many moments with myself that I had let go of - one being the time to sit and write in my blog!

I have cleaned, and organized and set house systems back in place and met everyone I was supposed to meet and went to Aurangabad and set up my work and attended a wedding or two, but since I have been back from my holiday, I have not felt settled! Settled into my old routine, into the calm state of being. It feels like living somebody else' s life and wanting desperately to get back into yours, not knowing how.
Till now, that is.
The reason why I haven't been able to settle down was because I was busy doing so many things - one after the other or even all at once - that I did not take a single moment to sit down, sit back and notice the old way of life - and try and slip into it quietly cherishing the time I spent away from it and feeling the old routine welcome me back. Instead I dived into it, making a big splash, showering water all over the surrounding, trying to get the most done like it was a race and finding out at the end of it all that the mucky puddle that I dived into was never my calm sea of routine and way of being anyway!
So spontaneity and chaos are important no doubt, but make sure that is what you actually need. For all yiu know, like me, you could be really craving a send of familiarity and a need to be with yourself.
I had never sat down just for a moment, for a moment with myself. To let myself soak in everything the way it was around me. To not creat chaos and shake things up but to be calm and silent and at peace with myself.

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